Johnson, who was promoted from featured participant forward of SNL’s present season.
Illustration: Ryan Inzana
“You need to go into the week saying, ‘No matter’s going to occur, occurs,” says Punkie Johnson, who’s about midway by way of her third season on Saturday Evening Reside (her first after being promoted from a featured participant). The present’s unpredictable manufacturing schedule hasn’t gotten simpler to navigate, essentially, however Johnson has discovered to roll with it: “There can be instances you hit your mates up. ‘It seems to be like I can meet y’all on Thursday at 2 p.m.’ Come 1:59, you’re pulling as much as the spot and it’s like, ‘Punkie, we want you on the studio.’ You’ll be like, ‘Ah, y’all motherfuckers acquired me once more.’ You simply by no means know.”
Thursday, December 1
After a hiatus and an extended vacation of consuming the whole lot — turkey and gravy, New Orleans gumbo, baked spaghetti and cheese, and potatoes and potato salad and cake and pie — in spite of everything of that, even when it’s not a vacation, I like to return again to some cabbage soup or meal prepping with rooster and greens all week. I attempted that, but it surely didn’t go that approach as a result of my sketch acquired picked and I used to be by no means dwelling.
I began Thursday the best way I begin every single day. I take vitamin B12, I take vitamin E, and I take this gel-type substance known as sea moss. Then it’s 16 ounces of freezing-cold lemon water. I down it. I take it to the pinnacle. That wakes me up and will get me going.
I didn’t actually have an opportunity to seize one thing to eat, so I jumped on the prepare, and 9 instances out of ten, I’m having a juice. It’s the identical juice: cucumber, spinach, kale, apple, orange, parsley, and a shot of ginger. However juice isn’t meals. I do know it is meals, nutritiously, if that’s a phrase, however my thoughts remains to be hungry afterward. So I had some nuts after I set to work.
Possibly an hour later, I had a ham sandwich the place I took the highest of the bread off and simply ate the underside as a result of I wanted some substance to maintain going all through the day.
That night time, we had a gala that Lorne invitations us to on the museum yearly, the place they serve scrumptious meals and much more scrumptious drinks. I don’t like consuming on Thursdays. If I do, it’s a cocktail to loosen me up for writing. I prefer to have cocktails on Saturdays as a result of it’s Saturday, however Thursday was the gala. Once I acquired there, I had a Tito’s-and-soda after which we migrated to the desk and I had two extra Tito’s-and-sodas and an enormous ol’ salad. I don’t know what was within the salad. Some sort of pumpkin, squash, nut, seed, dressing — French dressing crap? It was scrumptious.
After that, they served us some sort of broiled rooster with a mushy dressing beneath. I by no means know what I’m consuming after I get to those elegant issues, however this was so scrumptious I requested the folks for seconds. Everyone on the desk was like, “Oh my God, you’re getting one other piece?” I used to be like, Thoughts your enterprise. That goddamned rooster was scrumptious.
Friday, December 2
I prefer to quick. For probably the most half, I attempt to eat at 2 p.m. after which I cease consuming at 10 p.m. All of it will depend on what’s taking place with SNL, however I attempt very arduous. Rolling into Friday, I needed to movie my video, and I needed to be one of many first folks there. If I’m waking up earlier than 10 a.m., I’ve to eat — I can’t go till two. I began the morning off with a breakfast burrito that included egg, cheese, pico, ham, grilled onions, and bell peppers.
For lunch, I acquired bougie — I by no means do that. I used to be sitting up there like just a little diva, and I used to be like, I deserve a lobster. I acquired them to order me a lobster. It was the most affordable lobster, by the best way. I wasn’t too loopy. Had it with a aspect of shrimp. I used to be simply dunking it in some butter, and I squeezed just a little lemon on there and it was implausible.
In fact, as we have been recording, I wanted snacks. I used to be consuming nuts all through the day, however then I couldn’t resist. I noticed a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich. I had a type of, too. There are days when SNL supplies us with some, like, pizza or McDonald’s. In the future, I sat down and had six cheeseburgers in a row as a result of I used to be ravenous. I felt terrible the subsequent day. Not bodily however mentally. I used to be simply so upset in myself, however I hadn’t introduced meals and that’s what there was!
Saturday, December 3
Saturdays and Sundays are my cheat days. I eat no matter I need, and I am going for it. On my approach into the workplace, I ordered whereas I used to be within the automobile so the meals could be ready for me. I ordered Chinese language: shrimp fried rice, which I like, with further inexperienced onions as a result of I like onions. And I had inexperienced beans with rooster and a spring roll that was all veggie. It was implausible.
Round 10:30 p.m., after the gown rehearsal was over, I acquired just a little hungry. I at all times eat no matter is in catering. This Saturday, I had a ham sandwich and a bag of barbecue chips. I put the chips on the sandwich, and I smash it up.
I’ve to present props for the chips on the sandwich to my Uncle Gerald. He’s lifeless and gone, God relaxation his soul. I like him a lot, and each time I put chips on a sandwich, he’s alive to me. Since I began consuming stable meals — so since I used to be 1 or 2, possibly? — I might watch him make sandwiches. He had this complete factor the place he would slide the mayonnaise onto the bread. Slide the mustard onto the bread. He made it artwork. Then, after he completed this stunning sandwich, he would mess it up with chips and squish it down. It’s so gourmand till the chips, and I find it irresistible.
On Saturdays, in fact, towards the top of the present once we’re completed, I get to sipping on that tequila. I had loads of that after the present. Then you definitely go to the get together and have loads of different issues, all involving tequila. Then I’m at all times ravenous after I depart, so I cease at Taco Bell.
Taco Bell, for me, is an every-Saturday cease. I get the identical factor: Mexican pizza with further Mexican-pizza sauce, further onions, and change the meat with rooster. That is round 4:30 a.m. as a result of they shut at 5, and I’ve to verify I get there. I’ll be on the after-party like, Yeah, we’re having a great time, however I’ve acquired to go to Taco Bell now. I’ll be operating. I can’t miss my Taco Bell.
Sunday, December 4
I really feel like I work so arduous through the week, whether or not my sketches get minimize or not, that on Sunday I’m like, I’m consuming no matter I need. I’m simply going to order meals. I’m going to sit down inside all day, and I’m going to have a ball.
Apps at all times remind you of what you do; you don’t know what you’re doing till an app tells you. I ordered spaghetti and meatballs from this place and Uber Eats was like, Ding ding ding. That is your fifth time ordering!! Congratulations, you need to LOOOVEE this place. I’m like, Oh, I’m on a sample.
I acquired pasta and a chicken-Caesar wrap and garlic knots with further marinara sauce. That was my Sunday meal, and it’s such large parts that I had it for all the day.
I’ve a girlfriend, and I hate to say this however you already know girlfriends: “I haven’t talked to you all week. When are we going to spend a while collectively??” It’s long-distance, in order that makes it more durable to speak. On Sundays, I make up for misplaced time. We’re on the cellphone all night time, watching motion pictures, consuming like pigs. After which we prefer to have these moments the place we sit down collectively and have a snack, a wholesome snack. Now we have some fruit and discuss to one another with no distractions for an hour.
Monday, December 5
Mondays are once we pitch to the host. It’s nearly like a meet and greet. The host is available in, he sits in the course of Lorne’s workplace, and all of us go in. Lorne’s like, “All proper, that is Steve Martin and Martin Quick, everyone,” after which Lorne will get proper to it and we pitch. The concepts may very well be actual or they may very well be faux, however the aim is to set the tone and have just a little enjoyable with one another within the second. Then we both keep and description one thing or we will depart and write the sketch on Tuesday.
Pitching has positively helped me be extra acutely aware of limiting my phrases. Once you pitch, it’s a must to get straight to the purpose, and I’m not an individual who will get straight to the purpose. I’m the individual that’s like, “To make an extended story quick,” but it surely’s already an extended story. In stand-up, I can inform extra of a narrative, however with a pitch, it’s such as you’ve acquired to do it in 15 phrases or much less. You need to get to the joke as quick as doable, and you’ll see it on folks’s faces if you’re taking too lengthy: You could possibly have mentioned the joke ten seconds earlier and it will’ve been a banger.
I acquired dwelling about 8:30 p.m. and watched the trash-ass Saints lose within the final three seconds of the sport. I used to be cooking. I like to prepare dinner. It’s remedy for me. I can take into consideration sketches or characters or simply take into consideration, What am I going to do that week?
To make up for the cheat days, I like to scrub up on Mondays. I baked some rooster legs with onions and bell peppers, and I made two veggies I may eat by way of the subsequent couple of days, a pleasant container of spinach with tomatoes and a pleasant container of inexperienced beans. I added some sautéed onions to that.
I attempt to eat wholesome. My schedule is so inconsistent I by no means know what’s going to occur. I attempt to put within the effort each week. It doesn’t at all times go how I need, but it surely goes. Meals can positively have an effect on the best way I maneuver by way of the day. I attempt to choose and select. Your physique is aware of what it desires, and there are occasions after I’m a pizza. I do know I shouldn’t eat it, however I say to myself, What in case you fiddle and die tomorrow? You’ll be in your deathbed wishing you’d slammed down that pizza. What if that’s the final thought? It’s not, I like my household. It’s, I ought to have had the goddamned pizza.
